Relationships

#NwiloWrites: Diary of A Stupid Boyfriend – Sex Is Expensive

 

If you get married because of sex you are a dead man. Married people or those in relationships do not get as much sex as those retarded fellows who run around the streets. If you ever thought of sex and marriage as a complimenting duo, you are a stupid and rubbish man. Change your mindset now before it is dusk.

 

 

When you settle down with a woman you become a sane man. You become an ideal man. Every lady would adore you. Do not mess it up. Everyone including your spouse expects the best of behaviours. You should maintain such good conduct. Be grateful to that considerate Nigerian woman who has picked interest in your wretched life.

 

 

Be grateful! Sex should not cross your dirty mind. When your spouse bends to pick up a kitchen knife in her skimpy skirt you should look and appreciate what a beauty you have. Do not think of her nakedness or a piece of her. You already had all the sex you would ever need in your life before marriage.

 

Marriage is just a union of two different people, agreeing to live under same roof until the world finds a reason to call it quit. Respect it and endure your life. Pick interest in something creative like football or polo. Shit happens!

 

Sex could be good oh, as it binds two different individuals into one person. Sex could be the safest and less expensive physical exercise in the West, but as a married Nigerian fellow or someone who is in a relationship in Nigeria, you are limited in thoughts. Such thoughts are harmful to you. You should not even consider it. Scream a religious mantra when the thought comes. Bind it in the name of whoever you believe in and fast and pray. Married people, those in relationships, that latter being my group, is less active sexually. We are not super excited about it.

 

 

You are limited to sex: in short, it is expensive when you two are officially together. So one day, I thought I was still the same retarded fellow who could get anything at anytime so I requested for sex, yes, I actually did. You should have seen the look. I knew I was a dead man. I never knew I needed to send a memo through to her desk and then await a response and the actual hour she would be free, that is if she will ever be free. Chai. The life of a stupid boyfriend is uneasy oh. I recoiled into my shell and recited the entire hymns in the world.

Relationship provides you everything but regular sex. If you had ever dreamt the other way round, you had malaria. Go for a medical check up and be treated. It is good for you. Men know nothing, especially about sex. Men think they can jump up at the woman when the Shame between their thighs stands erect. How pathetic! The woman sees your flesh and your spirit. She decides the dose you get and you should not even ask her questions.

 

Maybe on a rainy night when the weather is so cold you may think: ‘this is it!’ so you coil up in the bed, throw your hand around her and expect a cozy reply. Of course, you will get it. You will get a slap. You should allow her to do the thinking and throw the hands, and when she does, do not act like she did. Do not make shakara. If you do, that would be the end of sex in that relationship. You are not to make shakara for a Nigerian woman!

 

 

So that day I chatted up the issue with her and she gave me the entire sermon I needed not to hear. Men who are married should be priests. That is better. That way, your energy is channelled to the right direction. My girlfriend loves me and she makes the best decision for me so I respect her words. Am I not pathetic? When she says “wear your shorts” I do. I quickly wear the shorts and expect the next line of command. If you live like me you will not have a problem. Your life will be easy. And you will live a longer life.

 

 

If you are the type of man who comes home before her, please ensure to clean the house, make her bath-water ready. Ask her how her day went and then ask if you can massage her back. If you are granted the permission, do not see it as a green light for sex, you may get yourself killed under the heels of her shoes. Just do the bloody job she wants you to do and if you are lucky, she could ask for your panties to go down. That is your Christmas. You can jump around the house like a rat whose dried crayfish is so enormous.

 

 

Married men should come together to form a community. When married men pray they are answered because they are pathetic, especially if they are obedient to their spouses. My advice is; get as much safe sex before you get into a relationship if you can. When you are in, you are a sane man and you are not expected to falter. When you do, you will be treated like a criminal. You do not joke with the heart of a Nigerian woman. Every Nigerian woman should be respected and treated rightly. Men usually forget this and that is the reason why there are more obituaries of men to women. Chai. Laugh don turn me to mumu!

 

 

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