Not every pregnancy is planned. In fact, I’m inclined to believe that so many of us came about by accidental discharge, following the way we behave these days.
Even amongst married folks who are licensed to have sex, we hear horror stories of unplanned pregnancies. No wonder abortion clinics are popping out just about everywhere. People seem not to care about safe sex or understand the simple meaning of contraception.
Well, I’m not here to educate you on that. You can check your local community health care center for proper information. My job here is to let you in on what happens when someone comes and tells you that they got accidentally pregnant.
Here are 8 times men get stupid during sex and produce an offspring.
1. “I Pull Out Before I Shoot Out’
Oshey, Lord Withdrawal! Didn’t they tell you that your pre-cum has enough sperm from your last wank session to father a child? Oh okay, you pee in-between sessions. Nice move. But you can’t honestly tell me that there weren’t a few slip-ups in all your pull out encounters. You and I know that the sweetest part is when you offload all your goods in the right warehouse. So stop applauding yourself for staining the sheets. And just a little reminder, someone in the bible days died because of this type of thing.
2. ‘It’s The Woman’s Responsibility To Handle Contraception’
This is how so many clueless men have been lied to. She tells you she’s on the pill or that she’ll pop some after and you believe and go in without protection. This same babe will come back a month later and tell you the pill(s) didn’t work. Dude, never believe any of that nonsense a woman says before sex. Always have yourself locked and loaded.
3. ‘I Tear Open The Condom Package With My Teeth’
It’s good to get the mouth, and sometimes even the teeth involved during sex but please, use your fingers to tear open the condom package. Why? To avoid poking a hole into the condom, stupid! The only hole you should be poking should be… never mind. The wise ones understand what I’m talking about.
4. Putting On Or Taking Off The Condom During Sex
Okay, seriously I don’t get this part. You start having sex then halfway, for whatever reason, you say ‘oops! sorry, I forgot to use a condom’ and then you put one on. Have you heard of pre-cum? Obviously not. Google it. Then for those of you who decide ‘this condom thing is killing my vibe’ and decide to remove it halfway, please go for quality stuff next time or learn how to wear on a condom correctly or just get married and stay faithful mbok.
5. ‘We Had Sex During Her Period’
First of all…eww! Second, don’t deceive yourself. Women have and can get pregnant during their periods. Some medical practitioners will not agree with this but others will. It has been found that some women ovulate when they are menstruating, so next time while dipping into the Red Sea, be sure to use a life jacket. If you go releasing your little swimmers with no protection, one of them is bound to swim upstream and catch something you’re not prepared for.
6. I’ve Had The Condom For Three Years
My dear brother, I know it’s a quality brand product and probably cost you a few hundred naira and you’re saving it for prime V, or just maybe you haven’t been laid in a long time; but it’s no reason for you to leave it in your wallet until it either expires or becomes useless. Use it when it’s still good or throw it away.
7. ‘I Like My Condom Tight’
And so you push your penis all in to fill the condom tip. Bruh, unless your penis is shaped exactly like a condom, please desist from tightening things in there. You have to leave that space for the spill. If you don’t, the condom will break. I’m tempted to say it’s not ‘rocket’ science but erm…
8. ‘We Had Sex While Standing’
First of all, buhahahahaha! For real? So, let me understand the logic. You did it while standing and all of the semen spilled to the floor and none was left in her. Hmmm… In physics, following the law of gravity, it makes sense. But not in biology, which may have a law somewhere that states ‘what goes in, stays in’. You should know that the vagina is that place that may not have a door but has a way of keeping things in. Be Warned!
Basically, just don’t be stupid during sex. Protect yourself and your woman. Use a condom.