#NwiloWrites: Diary Of A Stupid Boyfriend – No Calls


‘Out of sight is out of mind’. That stupid saying can only be attributed to Nigerian men. Only Nigerian men do all the bad things in this world. They steal, they curse and mistreat ladies. They forget that the Nigerian woman wants a just man, their man, nothing more, and nothing less. They wish not to share him with anyone, not even a caring mother-in-law.

When you set out to share yourself as a man you are dead. The Nigerian woman will literally shoot you. She will call on Sango; the Yoruba God of Thunder, to roast your yansh alive. You do not joke with the heart of a woman. It is tender and fragile. Your primary school teacher should have taught you that.

Truth. Those men who trivially forget their spouses when they should not are toiling with their lives. No man who ever played with the heart of a woman survived to tell the story, ask all the men who died and you would be amazed at your findings. Don’t try this on my recommendation though, because you will be dead to ask the dead questions! Nice declaimer on my part there. But it is in the vein of a Nigerian man to misbehave. Men could be really oblivious to feelings. Women are perfect people. When a man leaves a woman he quickly sees another woman. It does not matter the shape or the complexion or size, no, fewer men care about such trivialities. Yeah, a man’s eyes are like that. It is not his faults. No, it is nobody’s.

 A man loves one dimensionally, ask any man. A man believes a woman is his when she is around. Chai! Whatever happens to her when he is not around can be found in the Encyclopaedia Britannica. Women are not like that. When a woman leaves the house of her man she still sees him. She sees the love you shared with her. She goes the extra mile to smile at the jokes you guys shared moments ago. Women are amazing, no wonder God created them to sort out our mess. Nigerian men could be amazing too and justly mischievous. Men are good at a price, to play on you. Chai! Men ehn.

So I went to Nsukka to pursue another side of my life. When I arrived I was called by my ever faithful girlfriend. She wanted to know whether I arrived safely. Women are marvellous in caring. I told her I did.  We chatted and she encouraged me through all I was there for. And when I dropped the phone I did not get back to her until 3 days after. And when I returned to Port Harcourt I was the first to ask her why she did not call me throughout the 3 days I stayed away. Wonders shall never end! Sure, I did miss her. But I guess a lot of distraction kept me away from my responsibility to her.

Nigerian women bear a lot with Nigerian men. If women should leave men, we would shit in our panties and become helpless. If you have a great woman like my girlfriend you are a blessed man. You should go to church and give a testimony. My girlfriend is the only one who believes that I would be better someday. She believes so much in me that I feel setup. But I know she is sincere. Women are great people. When I accused her of abandoning me, it took a day to apologise. Always apologise, sincerely, women like that. Nigerian women are always right, note that also. They are never wrong.

My girlfriend could be analytical. She knows how to prove her points to you with facts. She would dwell on her strength and watch you dwindle. I always dwindle. I had gone to Nsukka to sight-see all the beautiful women who were there. Kai, Nuskka is a nice place oh. The ladies in Nsukka are not like the ladies in Port Harcourt.

Most of the women in Port Harcourt are desperate. They so paint their faces that they look like Christmas masquerades. Almost all women in Nigeria knows the name; “Mary-Kay”. Sometimes their aching backside seems to me like a product of Mary-Kay also. But when I got to Nsukka I discovered that the women were natural, like there were no Mary-Kay shops in the town. When I got to Nsukka I took my time to stare at the natural faces of the ladies, no wonder Christopher Okigbo and Chinua Achebe gave a portion of their lives to the University of Nigeria, Nsukka, even Zik too. Bad guys!

If you are a visitor at Nsukka you should know the Igbo language or you are dead. No woman would speak with you. If you excuse a woman she would reply you in Igbo. I got so tired I boarded the nearest vehicle back to Port Harcourt where I went back to the more plastic women who torment lives in minis or skimpies.

I love my woman so I domesticate the scope of my rights around her. I do not have a right where she exists. I should not. Nigerian women deserve all there is when it comes to their men. Stop thinking about your rights and you will live happily in a relationship. And call her, recharge her phone and you will be glad you did, seriously.

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