Articles

#NwiloWrites – DIARY OF A CHURCH SLUT By @SaintVinny

Nwilo is back with new series – Dairy Of A Church Slut.

 

Dear diary,

Today was memorable. Not for the metal detector at the entrance of the Hilltop International Church where I worshipped, but for the eclipse. Yes. It was announced few days ago that Nigeria would experience partial eclipse of the sun. People sat outside, awaiting the miracle or the spectacle, depending on your faith. Diary, you know how it is in Nigeria, everything is ceremonial. People had parties oh. I was not invited to anyone sha. I did not know about the eclipse until it was probably late. I was busy in bed when I received a call the previous night by a friend I hadn’t seen in a long while.

Dear diary, I met the lady on the day of my last JAMB, the one that finally gave me the admission I am currently enjoying. It was my fifth JAMB in a row. Those bastards would either cease my papers of tell me bullshit. And I had grown beards at home; awaiting the day JAMB would make life easier. On that JAMB day, when the overzealous invigilator had asked me to pay a sorry sum before I could settle to write my papers and I refused, it was this lady who stood with me. She refused to pay. It was a great sight that a Nigerian girl would not pay to sit for an examination and be allowed to malpractice. I liked her and I kept her number. At a point, I crushed on her. She has gap teeth. She is somewhat small and very energetic. I like her. And she talks with some sensuously fast rap. She is the kind of woman I would stay with all day and not pick offense. Okay. I may. But diary, this was the girl who made me leave the house today for church.

She called me to attend her graduation from the church academy. She has been one of my steadfast religious friends; a lady who does not condemn me but checks on me at intervals. Diary, this girl is beautiful. I wish I were allowed to show her photo. I guess she wanted to be a model at some point. She should be a model. She would get paid for it. Her height is not encouraging for runway modeling but I’m sure she would excel as a photo model.

Diary, I promised I would try and make it to her church and that was when the sleep became enjoyable. And she called again. She is currently a medical student in one of those medical schools. She is from Akwa Ibom. Diary, when a lady is a medical student and she is from Akwa Ibom, you should marry her. That is a good girl. She would be good everywhere.

I rushed to have a bath. Diary, you must rush your bath when a beautiful woman invites you to church. She must have spoken to God about you and it is something that should not be missed. I rushed and begged some money for offering. My neighbor gave it to me. I cleaned my shoes and then applied deodorant, forgetting food and fled to the place. The Hilltop Church is one of those elite churches in Port Harcourt where there are a lot of ladies. I like such churches. I got to the gate and met the church security. The compound looked clean, with of course, some classic cars parked in rows. Things looked arranged. Diary, I became uncomfortable when the security man used a handy metal detector on me. Such happens in the bank and at night clubs. It brought back the pictures of these places. I know that those who do this request for tips. I wanted to think along that line but I could not. I was angry and when the ushers, those who shake hands with you and welcome you to church, saw me and wanted to shake me, I dodged quite a lot of them. Dairy, they were enormous. I could not avoid all of them. I had to shake hands with the ladies only. A particular woman who had a finer smile shook hands with me and a young man rushed forward to have my hand also. I reluctantly shook him. I wish he had not brought forth his hand.

Diary, I was directed inside the church. Hmm. Churches could be comfortable oh. Diary, this church is cool. The air-conditioner works well. I should have brought an extra piece of cloth to wade off cold. The ushers in the hall kept directing me, from one place to the other until I was kept on the second row, just beside the pastor, the senior pastor, a man I have always seen on TV, talking the business side of Christianity. His wife is gorgeous, tall and graceful. Diary, have you noticed that pastors always get married to very beautiful women? Hmm. Do you think gorgeous women only settle for men with better financial security?

I enjoyed the service. I did not meet the praise session. I met a drama presentation. Dear diary, I liked it. It was a presentation by one man who played multiple rolls. He acted as a king and two other characters on stage. He switched voices. He did well and the church applauded him. Few meters from where I sat, the students or church members who were graduating sat in robes, colorful and nice. I admired them. Some had it fitted while others looked very unfortunate in it. A certain lady who had come out for award looked so elegant. Her lashes made her look very pleasing. But I controlled my thoughts. Dear diary, I like this church. I just may visit again.

At a point, diary, the pastor preached about wealth. He talked about Christians being able to hear the instructions of God and walking in it. He quoted from the book of Mathew 6: 31 – 34 and I enjoyed it. He asked the congregation to use the anointing oil and apply it on the face or the forehead and hope for a miracle. Dairy, trust me. Broke as I was, I had a lady give me some of the oil and I had it all over my face. Anyone watching would know that I needed a miracle. The lady who sat next to me must have noticed. She was the only one who knew I was a first timer. I did not come out when they called for first timers. Nope. I could not. It is my job to visit churches and not to be noticed. Dear diary, the lady collected my number oh. See me see gobe.

I met the pretty woman who had invited me. She gave me such a cool hug, in the church. I had to look around to make sure no angel was watching with a sword. She was pleased I could make it to the church. We had photographs outside the church and Diary; that was the end of my visit to the Hilltop International Church, Port Harcourt.

 

[divider]

Nwilo tweets @saintvinny.

 

He is a student and a lover of life.

 

 

Leave a Comment