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#NwiloWrites | HOW TO BE A FRUSTRATED NIGERIAN – Own A House Next To A Church



There is nothing as excruciatingly frustrating as owning a house next to a church in Nigeria.


It is like buying a musical set that plays the music that you detest loud enough to serve a community in a never ending order. You will end up as useless as never before. You would rather own a house next to an airport or a railway than the church. Most churches operate by sheer standard of faith. The Holy Spirit directs their services. And when you don’t have the spirit in you, you won’t be able to know when services hold.


The airports have schedules. The sound is monotonous; one nosily huge boom that occurs either when a plane is landing or taking off. You could manage it.  Maybe the sight could serve you a lot of purpose. You may as well turn a photographer, selling pictures of planes, falling and rising. You could make a few hundreds of naira too, enduring life. But when you live next to a church, you are a special breed. Many things will be on your mind, one prevalent thing would be genocide. You may wish to wake up one morning with a loaded AK47 in hand, finger on the trigger, the barrel aiming at no particular person but a group of people who you have perceived to be very annoying and inconsiderate.


Imagine you telling a pretty girl to check on you at home, from 1PM to 3, knowing too well that any service (be it a thanksgiving session by a politician whose wife had just returned from a shopping spree in Dubai or a Local Government Chairman who had just acquired a Lamborghini sports car with project money from his constituency) should have been over. Then that is when the church has just dismissed and a retarded choirmaster has decided to rehearse a few lines of a particular song which has been disturbing his mind all through the service with some choristers. Or the instrumentalists are trying their hands on the new set of piano, oblivious to your plight.

If you live next to an airport you could as well go all out one day, get the flights schedule, tell them you are a neighbour who isn’t mad at the noise that comes from their place of work and you would want to know about their flights so as to schedule your time for sleep. That is amazing. But for the church, you would need some Jesus to direct your every step.

If you are someone who appreciates some quiet, you are one wrong fellow, living next to a church. It is like detesting the sight of dead bodies yet working in a morgue.  As someone who lives next to a church there is no dulling moment for you. Forget to buy a musical set when you finally pack in to your apartment. You wouldn’t need one. The church next door will provide all round music. Their choristers will do you a lot of good. If you are really looking for a smooth and easy way to die, this should be your first stop.

A Nigerian church believes in enemies everywhere, in the air, in the water and in your mind. The prayer that follows is not one that serves to make peace with an enemy but to destroy it. The blood of Jesus has been very useful in this act. When you own a house around a church you should have a coverall, something that can keep you from getting stained by the numerous bloods that would be spilled. The Nigerian church is merciless. Jesus must be exhausted from this. The Nigerian church would rather not address a PHCN disconnection. They would pray against it. This calls for the reason why there is usually an earthquake prayer session almost every day of the week.

If you are lucky, your death will be hastened if you have a house next to a new generation Pentecostal church where speaking in tongues are the order of the day. You are safe if the church next to you is a Deeper Christian Life Bible Church. Those folks are too out of connection with this world. They don’t wear jewelleries and so they avoid band-sets and other items which generate noise. The generator set may as well be channelled to your window since other noisemaking sets are missing in action. A church like the Deeper Christian Life Bible Church uses public address system so don’t thank you goodness yet, that you can now own a house next to it.

You are in danger when you don’t attend the church yourself. You are seen as an enemy of God. The entire prayer will be channelled to you. If the house, I mean the property is yours, please sell it and buy another property far away from the former. When a church owns a property next to you it is a clear hint that your house will soon be bought over, maybe as a site for the teenagers’ church or the church urinary.

Twiiter: @saintvinny

Facebook: Nwilo Bura-Bari Vincent


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