I couldn’t sleep. I mean, I had fallen asleep but woken up at this odd hour. Why? I felt very uncomfortable and turned to the door way I had been backing to walk out and get a glass of water or may be pee. My internal system felt confused.
I saw a shadow at my door; the outline was that of a man. I jerked back instantly out of shock, turned on the bedside lamp and Louis came out of the shadows.
‘Did I startle you? I am sorry. I couldn’t sleep and I heard you moving so I came to check on you to see if you were okay’
I was too frightened to say a word so I waited till I had caught my breath. It had escaped my mind that I had a visitor over for the night.
‘It is okay. I completely forgot that you were here. I am fine’ I cracked a soft smile to assure him that I was no longer shaken.
‘Can I come in?’
He walked in and sat down close to me. We were quiet for a few seconds when I felt him breathing heavily against my neck about to kiss me.
I moved back quickly with a shocked and surprised look on my face.
‘What are you doing?’ I asked.
‘Oh Please, Gee. Don’t pretend like you do not know what is about to happen’ He moved closer to me.
‘Err…No Louis. I really don’t know what is about to happen. For me, it is nothing but you seem to have
fireworks exploding in your brain’
‘Hidden? With all those smiles and glances you throw my way in class, the persistent flirting. You even invited me into your place to-‘
‘As a form of kindness because it was raining outside!’ I exclaimed, still backing away from him till I hit the wall.
‘Gee, you know you want this as much as I do. I see it in your eyes. The longing to be held by a man since Koji-‘
‘Whatever. He doesn’t matter now. Don’t do this to us. Let me take care of you’
His face was close to mine and his body even closer. I looked away and placed my arms protectively across my chest.
As he got closer to my thighs, I flinched and tried to find a mental state where I could justify what was about to happen. Thoughts begun to race through my mind. What was I fighting? Maybe he was right? Maybe deep inside I did want to be with a man. It has been so long and I do have needs. Louis isn’t such a bad idea. He is unattractive and repulsive to me but I did lead him on by letting him in so maybe I subconsciously want him but I am living in denial. He can’t be that disappointing in bed, could he? He slid his hand through my night shorts which was free and began to work on me. I felt disgusted so when he laid me on the bed, I laid there, stagnant and let him do everything else.
I made very little movements and hardly said a word. He took off my shorts, leaving the top on. He tried to kiss my lips but I looked away. He stopped and held my face, slowly directing it towards his lips. I kissed him back but I became nauseated the moment his moustache touched my lips. I quickly looked away and he worked his hands up my vest and began to massage my breasts. I wriggled uncomfortably under him. He was breathing heavily on me and kissing me all over like a hungry animal.
Without any warning, he put himself inside me. I looked away to the wall beside me, at the picture of me and Kojo on the desk that stood by it. Tears began to roll down my eyes. I felt like a cheap, little whore. Anything that would take my mind away from the horrid human that was grunting on top of me and kept moaning out my name, how good I felt; how he loved me, how I feel so soft and warm inside and he wants me forever, was very welcome at that moment.
At a point, I thought he was going to cry. Turns out he was just having an orgasm. I think he did cry. He came on my bed sheet. My own clean, fresh bed sheet. He grunted for the last time and fell down lazily on the bed.
He was out of me. That was want I wanted. He was still breathing heavily like he had just run marathon. I curled up into a fetal position and silently cried out my shame. I used my hand to cover my crotch for fear that he might decide to go in again.
‘Baby.’ He began stroking my back slowly.
‘Yes’, I answered softly.
‘You are beautiful; in and out. I have never felt this way before about any of the girls I had been with at the first date. They all looked like whores to me but you…Gee…you, I think I’m in love with you. You enjoyed it too, right?’
‘Yes’, I answered in the previous manner.
He snickered and kept on.
‘Yes! I could hear you screaming my name and how good I was. I thought you were going to cry at a point when I was giving it to you’
He tapped my naked ass and sighed. There was silence.
‘Wow. Babe, I think it has stopped raining.’
I looked at the clock on the table. It was a few minutes to four.
‘And it is nearly four. I think it is best I take my leave now. This is usually the time I wake to go to the gym. Got to keep fit to do all of this, look good and keep you happy you know’
He got up and began to get dressed.
I wiped away the tears from my eyes, hoping that it wouldn’t show that I had been crying the whole time. I looked around the bed for my shorts and shirt and quickly put them on. He walked out as soon as he was dressed, to the living room and picked up whatever he had left in there. I met him in front of the entrance door.
He stopped and looked at me.
‘You are wonderful’
I cracked a fake smile and looked away. I unlocked the door and held it open till he was ready to get out.
“I’ll see you in class on Saturday?’
I smiled and nodded.
‘Ok. Saturday it is. See you then my love’
He leaned in and kissed my forehead. I smiled again without a word.
He left. I cleaned my forehead and walked into my room. I took out the bed sheets and everything on me that had his smell placed it in the laundry basket; walked into the bathroom and cried while having a hot shower to wash out my shame.
Kojo was my first. I thought he’d be my only. He had left me and now I felt used. Do you now understand my pain? My shame?